A New "Astrology"

January: Black Eyed Peas

Not to be confused with the overblown pop group that is slated to sing at this year's halftime show for Superbowl XLV but, instead, the curiously spotted bean eaten for good luck on New Year's Day. Folks fortunate enough to be born under this sign are uncannily able to pick winning bingo tickets and lottery numbers. Representing all too well the great month of January (besides Nixon and Elvis) are Joan of Arc and Rasputin, hee hee!

February: Onions

For the month that sets us to stalking a Pennsylvania woodchuck, hankering after heart-shaped boxes of chocolates AND contains an extra day every four years, one might expect it to be represented by artichokes or something a bit more exotic than an onion. However, artichokes are more like flowers than vegetables and, though they do, indeed, have "hearts", they're as overblown as a certain pop group when it comes to actual bang for the buck. Onions, while somewhat aromatic, are multilayered, multifunctional and mysterious. James Joyce and William Burroughs perfectly represent all aspects of this unique symbol, as does Gypsy Rose Lee--do I really need to explain this one? LOL.

March: Acorn Squash

It's often noted that big things come in small packages, so pretty much ANY squash would be an acceptable vegetable for such a schizophrenic month. Indeed, March has a sordid history of great violence and bloodshed (think Boston Massacre and The Holocaust), as well as a rollercoaster history of other "special" occurrences (think Exxon Valdez and the Dow Jones hitting 10,000 for the first time ever). Therefore it should come as no surprise that Dr. Seuss, Albert Einstein, Lady Gaga AND the two male stars who played Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock--were all born in March. Yikes!

April: Radish

I need to be careful now, since I was born in April lol. To T. S. Eliot, "April is the cruelest month...." and, whether you spell cruelest with one L or two, it certainly seems to demean a perfectly down-to-Earth month for the mere sake of starting off some rambling, disjointed literary endeavor. Although, it _is_ hard to believe that April gave us both Shakespeare AND Hitler--but, isn't it the way of the universe to vex the bejesus out of us? That's why the humble radish is such a perfect avatar for all things Aprilian. It takes a little effort, but once plucked from its bed, rinsed and sliced, it brings new life to old salads and zing to formerly dreary meals. Or not. My point is, let's not quibble about a little dirt when there's so much more beneath the surface!

May: Yam

This may (no pun intended) seem like an obvious choice, but even wacky, creative people like me need to make obvious choices every so often lol. Besides, a sweet potato is more than a fitting emblem for the potentially squishy month of May. Not to mention folk beliefs in fertility symbols such as Maypoles and cures for impotence by eating of a phallic yam. As befits both the phallic and squishy imagery, Sigmund Freud and Liberace share May birthdays. You think I'm kidding? Heck, Clint Eastwood and Walt Whitman were born on May 31st!

June: Cauliflower

When I started delving into the possibility of creating a zodiac, or astrology, of vegetables, I had no idea where it would all lead. I'm only up to June and my brain is having a hard time assimilating everything I've learned so far! For instance, celebrity birthdays in June include Marilyn Monroe, William Butler Yeats, King Edward VIII of England--AND, mind you--his mistress, Bessie Wallis Warfield, who is better known by her married name, Wallis Simpson! Gracious sakes! Such an eclectic mix of actors, authors, musicians, sports legends--nothing short of a cauliflower is a sufficient vessel to hold them all. Even mathematicians have studied cauliflowers and have obtained something called a "fractal dimension" (http://icpr.snu.ac.kr/resource/wop.pdf/J01/2005/046/R02/J012005046R020474.pdf), which can be used to create a wide variety of abstract images. Who knew?

July: Broccoli

As with June, the month of July boasts a large number of fascinating celebrities who fell off the stork's cabbage delivery truck while July still held sway. But broccoli is a better symbol for them lol. From J.K. Rowling to Daniel Radcliffe, P.T. Barnum to Lizzie Borden, and Franz Kafka to Herman Hesse, I can think of no better vegetable than broccoli to attach to such a diverse group of poets, priests, painters, politicians, tennis players and other plenipotentiaries. In fact, since most of us never see broccoli except in grocery stores--and most of us never eat it except in restaurants and from veggie trays--I recommend surfing the web for pics of the actual PLANT, rooted and alive, the more fully to appreciate this amazing feat of cultivation!

August: Celery

Virtually useless in terms of nutritional value, Celery is the perfect choice for the month that serves up such famous birthdays as Barack Obama's and Jerry Falwell's. It also comes as no surprise, at least to me, that both David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson, late of the X-Files, share birthdays in August as well! Thank goodness the likes Lucille Ball, Jerry Garcia, Cecil B. DeMille and Alfred Hitchcock balance out the likes of Andy Warhol, Hulk Hogan and Macaulay Culkin lol. One can only hope that, given enough fiber, these things, too, shall pass.

September: Asparagus

I can put it off no longer--September has to bring us the dawning of the age of Asparagus! It is, after all, considered to be somewhat aristocratic, and the current queen of England was born on September 7th! Throw in Hugh Grant, Truman Capote and Twiggy, and there's no better choice. It also seems to be a good month for people with other food items in their names: Edgar Rice Burroughs, "Jelly Roll" Morton, Meat Loaf, Claude Pepper and, if you count the salad, Sid Caesar! By the looks of things, yours truly should have been born in September. Lily Tomlin, Bob Newhart, Peter Sellers, JoAnn Worley, Jeff Foxworthy and even the master cartoonist Chuck Jones, all share September birthdays! Either that or their parents had nothing better to do the previous December!

October: Bell Pepper

October is a difficult month to assign a sign to. I've decided on the bell pepper because it isn't quite as spicy as its cousins, but I can think of nothing else that quite captures both the apparent zinginess and blandness of some of the well-known people who have October birthdays! In their respective heydays, Dawn Wells, Suzanne Somers and Fanny Price may have been considered "hot", but what about Jimmy Carter, Sting and Gore Vidal? Looks aren't everything, of course, and many people are stoking big fires within them. People like Donald Pleasance (who starred in all those Halloween movies), for instance. Speaking of Halloween, does it surprise YOU that two news anchors share that birthday? It surprised ME a bit to see Dan Rather and Jane Pauley in the list! What's the frequency, Kenneth?

November: Carrot

If WWII carrots contained enough vitamin A to allow British airmen to see and, therefore, shoot down Germans in the dark, this is the perfect vegetable for a month with a penchant for darkness. You'll think I'm joking, but you can do your own research and I'm sure you'll confirm that Eddie Rabbit was born in November--too funny! Also born in November--and, again, you'll think I'm joking--the ill-fated, but brilliant (pun intended), Marie Curie. But as for Gordon Lightfoot, it's a darn good thing he's Canadian, or I'd say his parents lied about his birthday lol. Other luminaries include Claude Monet, Georgia O'Keefe and the somewhat aptly named (depending on which hemisphere you inhabit) Jonathan Winters.

December: Spinach

There's no way I'm leaving spinach out of my veggie zodiac! Not only is it admired as a source of iron and calcium--hence "strength", it's just WAY too bizarre that Christmas Day is not only shared as a birthday by Jesus, the Christian Messiah, but also Isaac Newton, Robert Ripley and Rod Serling! Believe it or not! So, while the hoity toity astronomer/scientist types are trying to palm off an extra sign of THEIR zodiac, I'm willing to simplify things even further with MY list of "Veggie of the Month" signs. Until or unless another month is added to our calendar, why should we let all those pesky billions and billions of stars determine our destinies? Carl Sagan would undoubtedly be proud to proclaim himself a Carrot (born Nov. 9th) as much as yours truly is comfortable being a Radish. It is, after all, just another label; another meaningless label that doesn't even have to pretend to tell us how many calories each serving contains!